From the “Let’s be honest with ourselves” files, I want to talk a little bit about questioning the process. Sometimes, I think about all that is in front of me to get pregnant and become a mother, and I ask myself:
Do I really want to do this?
The sacrifice of time, sleep, body, money, and sometimes, relationships, for at least the next 18 years?
Do I want to to torture my body with numerous injections and pills? Do I want to be poked, prodded, and explored on a regular basis more than I already have?
Do I want to watch my bank account slowly drain as I pay for meds, doctor visits, scans, and tests? Adding extra stress of incurring (more) debt, working extra jobs or extra hours. I jokingly say by the time we get pregnant, we won’t have any money to actually raise the child.
What about the emotional stress? There is no guarantee that a cycle of IVF or IUI will work. How many times will I be able to take a “No”. How many times could I take that heart break?
The actual pregnancy and labor? (Or c-section)
Maybe some of these questions come from fear. Maybe I’m trying to talk myself out of wanting something to avoid disappointment if it doesn’t happen. Who knows.
I do feel guilty for asking these questions, like women aren’t supposed to question motherhood. You’re a woman, you’re supposed to be a mother. Period. No questions asked. Society puts a little guilt trip on you when you don’t have children (which is why it can be so hard for people to constantly ask why you don’t have children, when its not really your choice), and even more so if you actively choose not to have children. You’re branded as selfish. Is it really selfish though? Will you be bound to be seen as an outsider of womanhood by not giving birth?
What are the answers? I don’t know. I don’t have a definitive answer for any of these questions. My thoughts and feelings today may be different next week. Next month. Next year. Hell, in the next 20 minutes.
I think its important to ask yourself (an your partner) these questions, especially with all of the extra effort and financial investment us Maybe Mamas face. I think those of us in the fertility struggle have the advantage of really having the time to ask these questions before pregnancy happens.
The only things I know for sure are: What will happen will happen, and its OK to ask questions. About everything.
No that I’ve ruined your Saturday with deep thinking, I’m off to enjoy a Cinnabon.