I try to keep everything pretty positive around here. I generally have a positive but realistic attitude about life in general.
I haven’t yet began to dive I to my fertility issues here, but today, I’m going to jump ahead a little.
Two weeks ago, I went in to speak with my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, a doctor who specialize in fertility) about her analysis of my current situation after some tests and information form my surgeon. She gave her thoughts, but the basics were that we should start the process sooner rather than later, and IVF would be the best bet. She ordered a blood test (AMH test) to check my ovarian reserves, (eggs I have left).
It took this chick 3 sticks to actually draw blood…
Well, today I got my results, and they weren’t that great. My level is at a .6, which is below average for my age.
I am extremely disappointed and sad. I allowed myself to cry for the first time in a long time about my infertility, because it all got a little more real today.
The journey is not over, and I know I will bounce back and keep pushing, but today is just a bad day. It was not the result I was hoping top hear. However, I wouldn’t be true to the purpose of this blog if I didn’t share this experience.
Please visit the following links for a full explanation of AMH testing and how it relates to fertility
At 3am I was up and couldn’t really move, so this happened.
For me, the 24 hours immediately following my surgery was a bit blurry. I still had all types of sedatives and anesthesia in my body, plus some percocet. Oddly I was wide awake at 3:00am for about 3 hours the first night. (which is when the above Instagram post happened)
The basics are this: You will be in pain. You will need help. You will need naps. You will get bored. You will feel better every day.
Pain: Everyone is different, but for me, the first three days were moderate in terms of pain. I’d say my pain was anywhere between 7-10, and 10 only being the first 18 hours or so. If your procedure involved a full (open) or partial (a hybrid) myo where you had a 3 inch or more incision, your abdominals will be almost useless for a while and sore. Very sore. The basics of sitting up on your own, even rolling over in your bed will be pretty much impossible for the first few days. You get creative after a while and figure out how to maneuver around, but at first you’re like a little baby-unable to move without an adult to help you. Be prepared to be uncomfortable. You will be sore, inside and out. Don’t be ashamed to take the pain meds your doctor prescribes for you. (As instructed. Please do not abuse your pan medication, sis)
Coughing, sneezing, and laughing will bring discomfort. Hug a pillow tight/close to your for sneezes and coughs.
If you had a laprosopic procedure, you’ll have residual gas in your body that will make you a little uncomfortable for a few days.
I slept for about 3 hours when I first came home, and I only got up to use the bathroom walk, and take some meds. A word of caution on your first trip to the bathroom: If you had a catheter inserted your first trip will….sting a little. I’ll just leave it at that. It will pass after the second or third go.
I was sore, I had cramps, and it was difficult to move. But, you need to move.
Moving Around: I had to walk every hour or two around the apartment. This is something you will most likely be told to do regardless of the method or if you’re out patient or not. Walking helps prevent complications after your surgery. Walking helps to: 1) Clear and improve blood flow to your lungs and 2) Prevent blood clots. (More details on post surgical movement here) No ones asking you to walk a mile, but quick lap or two around your apartment or one level of your house will get the job done. It will be slow going at first, but after a day or two, you will start to move a bit better.
Appetite: I didn’t really have one for the first 3 days. When I did eat, soup, crackers and toast were plenty. Mostly I ate because I had to eat with the medicine I was taking. Your appetite will slowly increase. (vanity plus: you WILL lose weight.)
The downside was people around me were eating awesome food that I just couldn’t partake in. My family had Pizza Hut (one of my favorite things!), my mom cooked one night, and everyone sat around the table and had dinner while I laid in my bed drifting into a percocet induced sleep. I couldn’t stomach all that heavy food, but that doesn’t mean my inner fat girl wasn’t sad that she missed all the vittles.
On a related note, you won’t want to eat anything too solid because…well, it has to come out. Again, your abs will be compromised, and any straining is not recommended. Colase or other stool softener will be your friend. Many pain meds (Percocet, Vicoden, etc.) can cause constipation when taken frequently, so softeners can be a great thing to help with your visits to the bathroom.
Help: Because you’ll be in pain, and your abs will be shot, and you’ll be tired….you’ll need help. You just will. I needed help getting in and out of bed, walking, getting food, putting on lotion, doing my hair, pretty much everything. The first 3-4 days for me were when I needed the most. Because I had a hybrid procedure, and my incision was not clear across my bikini line, I think I was able to start to bounce back a little sooner. (One of the benefits of a laproscopic or hybrid procedure) My family was great, and made sure I was comfortable, made me get up to walk, brought me snacks, pretty much waited on me hand and foot. That probably won’t happen again, so I enjoyed it.
Rest: Naps are awesome no matter what. When recovering, you will need to take them more than you think. Not so much because you want to, but your body will let you know that its working hard and needs to recharge. I couldn’t even make it through a movie or more that 10 pages into a book the first few days. Listen to your body: rest when it tells you. You probably won’t get to rest like this again for a long time…maybe never, so take advantage
Boredom: After a few days, boredom/cabin fever will set in. Going from bed to couch, to bed is not that entertaining. Books, movies, and company, even Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are great, but you start to get stir crazy after a while. For me, the mere fact that I couldn’t really go anywhere made me fidgety. Again, selfies and social media filled a lot of my bed rest time.
(Exhibit B)
Bed rest pop art
My recovery was pretty average I guess. I did have a high fever for 2 straight days around day 4, and went to the ER. I felt pretty miserable and sluggish. They gave me an IV and sent me to get a CT scan to make sure there was nothing going wrong. The contrast solution I had to drink (which I think they mixed with something to make it more palatable) wasn’t so bad. The machine itself was fine, I’m not claustrophobic or anything, but something about the actual scan process made me horribly nauseous! As the scan went on (probably lasted all of 1 minute), I got more and more sick. By the time I got to a point where I thought I was going to spew everywhere, it was over.
Those 2 days were probably the worst of it.
A few days later, I went for my follow up with Dr. M. Everything looked good.
The good thing was I got to spend time with my friends and family that came to help and check on me, especially my mom. We got to talk and spend time together. I got her hooked on my favorite “rachet reality show“, which I won’t name, but the fact that it comes on VH1 and can be labeled rachtet should be enough.
I got to watch a good family friend win a Tony award! In that moment, I got so excited, I kinda forgot I had surgery 2 days before. I screamed and jumped up off the couch. Damn near busted my stitches. Literally.
So, its Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate how awesome moms, grandmas, great grandmas are. Being a mom is a 24/7 job. They deserve at least one day to get as many cards, flowers, dinners, brunches, spa days, poems, and as much quiet time as they can get!
Mommies of America, I salute you!
Sometimes, this day gets awkward to me, even before my fertility questions. The reason: People feel compelled to tell you Happy Mother’s Day simply because you’re a woman. Some women aren’t mothers, by choice or by circumstance. I mean, I get it. Mothers Day is a day to celebrate moms, which by extension is all women. But its not necessarily socially impolite to not wish a woman you don’t know happy mothers day. “Happy Mother’s Day!” “So, what are you doing for Mother’s Day?” Then the you have to politely say “Oh, I’m not a mom” , “Well, my family doesn’t live here” or the worst “Oh, my mother has passed away”. Now everyone is just staring at each other with awkward silence, trying to find the next thing to say.
So, my suggestion, be like the random guy in that came up to my mom and I in Wal Mart a few years ago. A moment that continuously provides us with laughs because well, it was pretty comical when it happened. We were at a Super Wal Mart around 11:30 at night, pretty much just strolling through the aisles, when out of no where, dude walks up and says: “Happy Mother’s Day, if yall’s some mothers” We just looked at each other. My mom managed a ‘thank you’. All I could do is smile because I wanted to laugh immediately. But hey, he was just trying to spread joy and appreciation. He covered all his bases: He wished us a happy Mothers Day with the caveat IF we’re mothers.
Perfect.
On a real level, in all of the celebration,people tend to forget that Mother’s Day can be tough for some. There are those who no longer have their mother’s here on earth, those who just don’t have a good relationship with their mothers or who have never known their mothers, and of course, those who want to be mothers but are unable. This day can be happy and full of friends and family, but can also brings some sadness, ‘what ifs’, and loneliness. And some women just don’t want to be moms, and that is perfectly fine!
Remember those today that may have a hard time on Mother’s Day. If you’re one of those, remember that there is always hope, and love. If you are not a mom by choice, don’t let people make you feel like you’re wrong for your choice.
Need practical tips and reassurance? Check out this article. (the title is hilarious to me)
Just for laughs. By choice or by circumstance, you still have freedom. Celebrate.
Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day, if yall’s some mothers.
Its National Infertility Awareness Week, y’all!!
If you’re in the fertility struggle, you’ve had that moment (probably more than one) where someone asks you about when you’re going to start procreating.
Now, even without fertility issues, I just think its rude to randomly ask people when they’re having babies or when they’re getting married. Especially if they’re not even close to you, which is usually the case. People who know you…well know you and probably have an idea of what’s going on in your life and wouldn’t ask you (Out of context. In front of people.) when you’re going to have a baby.
So today’s post is going to be a quick info guide for those who have someone in their life struggling with fertility (or the just plain nosey) and all of us Maybe Mamas on how you can deal with the inevitable questions and what not to say.
Things Not to Say to Someone Living with Infertility, bought to you by Resolve (National Infertility Association) and NIAW(with some added thoughts from me for fun )
Please Don’t:
Don’t tell them to relax. Comments such as “just relax” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
Don’t minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain.
Don’t say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
Don’t say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don’t ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial. (Unless you’ve got $3,000 or more to contribute to the cause, don’t bring up IVF)
Don’t push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
Don’t gossip about your friend’s condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. (THIS! Alll of This)
Don’t be crude. Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like, “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don’t complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend.
Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility – infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child.
Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.
But here are a few things you can do or say:
Let them know that you care. The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief.
Remember them on Mother’s and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven’t forgotten them. (Mother’s Day is really a hard day)
Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them.
Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well.
Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best. (I disagree with the e-mail, tell me in person or on the phone, but per yesterday’s post…)
But the real question is what do you as the woman struggling say? Me, I haven’t mastered this art yet, so I don’t really have the answer. Even when you think you have something prepared, it never quite comes out the way you think it will.
Fortunately, some people have got some thoughts.
Here are some things YOU can say when people are all up in your uterus (found at answers.com):
Ignore and Change the Subject.
An extremely easy way to respond is to not even acknowledge that the question was even asked. You can always play the, “Oh, sorry – I didn’t hear you” card or if you’re feeling particularly pressured, simply change the subject. Become the master of the “non-answer.” (Non answer answers, usually something I hate getting from people, but it could work in this situation…)
Redirect or Deflect.
If someone asks you about when you’re having kids, simply brush it off with a quick reply such as “not yet” and turn the tables back on them. If they have children, go right into, “Enough about the kids I don’t have, how are yours?” If they don’t have children, you can always redirect to a non-children related topic, such as work, the latest celebrity gossip, or, as boring as this sounds, the weather. The key is to get the attention off of you, especially if you’ve been asked his question in front of a group of people. ( I think this is my favorite response tactic)
Be Honest.
If you’re going through infertility or simply having trouble trying to conceive and depending on your relationship with who ever has asked you the question, you could use this as an opportunity to open up about what you’re going through. Many times, the asker may apologize for probing (and often times, the “when are you having kids” question is asked very innocently). At worst, you’ll stumble through a socially awkward moment; at best, you’ll have a supportive ally in your infertility journey within who you can confide.(Only if we’re close)
Be Witty.
For some, humor is as much a defensive weapon as it is a coping tool. Witty responses can include everything from, “We’re having too much fun trying” to “Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know when we do” to “When we’re ready to give up our complete and total freedom as adults.” You can even play dumb: “Oh, we haven’t even talked about that yet!” Often, the “be witty” tactic works best in conjunction with another tactic listed here, such as the “redirect/deflect” or even as a gateway to “be honest.”
Decline to answer (and be firm about it if you have to).
This particular tactic may be the most confrontational and isn’t something that everyone will be comfortable with, but it’s a valid tactic all the same, especially on days when you just don’t feel like getting into it. “I’d rather not talk about it,” is a perfectly acceptable response and you might go right into changing the subject from there. If the asker continues to press you for an answer, be polite but firm in asking to talk about something else. (BOOM!)
The bottom line is keep you composure when being asked about having a baby. Most people really are asking form a place of love and concern. If you genuinely have questions or want to offer support for the person in your life, just be thoughtful about how you approach the subject.
Maybe Mama 